She will seem so confident. Headstrong. She’ll tell you, “I’ve got this,” more than you’ll want to hear. She can’t help it, she’ll never tell you when she’s struggling, she’ll never tell you when all she needs is reassurance that she’s going to be okay.
On the outside, she’s the free spirit. On the outside, she owns it. She’s the chilled down-to-earth don’t take no shit, don’t give no shit, I do me, you do you. On the outside, she’s the life of the party. She’ll connect with people very easily, but it’s the maintenance that’s the problem. That introverted part of her; that overthinking, vulnerable side she rarely shows to anyone, makes it difficult to feel fully comfortable. It takes her a while, so she can only take being around others incrementally.
When she is out, after her social batteries are fully recharged, she is the extrovert. This is the part of herself that she’s comfortable with. This is the part of herself that she is comfortable showing the world. She relishes in this part. She doesn’t want to have so much armor, so many layers. She doesn’t want to express how much she needs to be held and loved and reassured; she doesn’t want to tell you how her over thinking keeps her at night because her brain brain is never able to shut off.
She doesn’t want to tell you how bad it gets sometimes; how her anxiety can drive her crazy; how it creeps in, a tiny inkling comfortable in its home in her bones. Her anxiety gives her a lack of confidence in herself and in those around her. Her fears and self-doubt can tear her apart at times. But this is not something that she’ll reveal easily. This is not something that she even knows how to express.
So instead she’ll put up that protection, her armor: the I don’t care demeanor. The “I don’t need you and I never needed you.”
But she cares. She cares too much. But on the outside, no one can see it. Her heart is racing and her palms are sweating but her exterior is solid, hard as a rock. You get too close, she feels too vulnerable, and she runs. She’ll go into autopilot - she has tennis shoes on standby.
She’ll try to convince herself she doesn't need you. She’ll say, people always disappoint anyways, not realizing that maybe she’s the one pushing them away. Not realizing how hard she is to figure out.
On the outside, she will seem like she can handle anything. You’ll see her out, and you’ll be blind-sided by her confidence, her strength. You won’t see how badly she needs you. You won't see how badly she hurts at times. Because even though she can do anything, the intensity of her love is not something she can ever run away from. And no matter how much she denies it - she feels too much to ever not need you.