You are going to be more than okay. Whether it was because of an addiction, constant excuses for not being there, an irresistible urge to put you down, an indifference or inability to give and receive love, his past, pride, selfishness, the fact that he’s weak or scared, or just the heartbreak of dealing with a man who’s broken, you did the hardest break-up that your heart will ever have to endure. You need to understand how brave you are.
He is your creator but it was his job to be much more than that. There should have been a consistent effort on his part - to nurture and shape you. To influence you with his strength, love and kindness. It was his job to teach you that people don’t leave when things get hard. That people fight for what’s worth fighting for. It was his job to be the one person in the world who would never hurt you.
A father should teach you how not to be afraid, to be open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. A father should make you feel like everything will be okay.
You didn’t give up - you realized that you can’t change people. You’ve reached your breaking point and said, screw him and all his darkness. You learned how easy it is to get broken in the effort to keep a relationship with a toxic person. You have learned that no, it is not your job. And no, it is not your fault. As the child it is the father’s job to always be there for you.
You need to understand that he should have done his best to make you proud. To be there for your first heartbreak and your last. To help you get back up. To know you: who you love, what makes you happy, what moves you, what your dreams and passions are. To know all the depths of you - and you of him.
Your father created you, but he can never destroy you. You have realized that loving yourself means being strong enough to cut ties with him, and embracing all the gifts you have in your life.
I know that a toxic father’s power can be haunting - comfortable in its home in your bones. I know you can feel it every time you get close to someone. You’re incredibly uncomfortable letting them see your most vulnerable parts. No matter how much you love someone, you guard your heart as a way to protect yourself from any potential pain you might face. But none of that will spill out very easily. You don’t want anyone’s pity.
Your big, brave heart let go of the only man you truly ever needed when you were not done needing him. Because you know you are worth so much more than dealing with constant disappointments. You deserve so much credit that you definitely do not get enough of.
By letting go, by breaking up with your toxic father, you are fully opening yourself up to your ability to love others. Without the toxicity, there is nothing stopping you to be fearless, embrace life, and embrace yourself. Let yourself be with people who support and make you feel safe - who are worthy of your effort and love. And don't ever be frustrated if you still love him, just be sure to love him from afar.
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