The Pain of Being in Love with Someone Who Is Toxic for You

Your connection is magnetic. You can tell them anything and they’ll just understand. Those 3am conversation that made you feel alive, wiping your tears away as you spoke about your family, lowering the shield you had spent years crafting. You both had scars but together, your scars fell in love and your broken parts came together.

Being in their arms was the greatest feeling you’ve ever felt - your heart against their chest, their fingers running through your hair. You felt safe. You felt alive. You felt like life just made sense by their side. There is no doubt, your souls are connected.

But not too long into your magic, things started to turn.

The fireworks combusted, leaving you burned and confused. The person you loved with every fiber of your being started showing another side. A darker side - a narcissistic side that started to poison you. You didn’t understand. So you tried to hold on tighter.

Before long, your every day blissful reverie gave way to a toxicity, an everyday apprehension of, what side will show up today? It’s like they would sway back and forth between the two sides of what seems to be a split personality. This kind of relationship isn’t easy to leave. You got so used to the bliss of their "good" side, that the shock of this sudden stroke of evil wasn’t real to you.

And when you did leave, no matter how hard you tried to move on, you would always find your way back to each other. Despite the toxicity, you could never seem to let go. Nobody would ever compare. No one could make you feel so alive, so understood. No one could make love to you with as much passion.

For some reason, whenever you were apart, you could only think of your connection.

Every time you got back together, you would hope for the best. That things would get better - that their toxic side would not prevail. But no matter how much you fought for things to work out, it would always end the same way: in tears, in pain, in confusion. Your strong personality would never give in, so you challenged them. And before you knew it, you had a dark side, too. A rage-fueled invective, manifesting as a reaction to their toxic behavior. You were so insecure and angry because, they made you that way.

You lost yourself. You abandoned yourself in a toxic love in the effort to keep the relationship - your mood and happiness became entirely dependent on their mood. Eventually you realized that, this person is never going to change. You have learned that no, it is not your job to fix them. And no, it is not your fault.

So you ended it for good. 

When love scars, it cuts deep. But you don’t regret a second of it. You cried, you laughed, you were alive, and that changed your life. All that pain produced understandings that have created a new level of living.

After the dust settled, you began to see things a little more clearly. You will never let anyone bring out the worst in you. You will never put up with a toxic person again. You will never hand over your whole self-worth and significance to another person. No relationship is perfect, ever, but no love is worth making you cry that much. 

You loved your ex more than you have ever loved anyone - but falling in love with someone should never result in falling out of love with yourself. If there’s anything that you’ve learned from all that pain, it’s that the extraordinary has to start with you. So as you're falling back in love with yourself, you'll show the door to anyone who doesn't lift you up. 

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