You don’t see all the ways you hurt her, because you don’t realize you’re the root of the problem. You don’t see that all she ever wanted was you. She wanted it to work more than anything - with every fiber of her being.
You don’t understand that when she started challenging you, that’s when all the problems began. She’s strong, too strong for you, and you couldn’t handle it. You don’t want to be challenged or confronted. You only want things your way.
You don’t understand that she loved you, all of you, and you fell in love with a girl who doesn’t always just nod and laugh and lets you do whatever you want. She is the girl who demands your respect, who confronts you when you’re wrong, who speaks up when behavior is toxic.
But she was this way because she loved you, she wanted everything to be better, but instead of cherishing her, you stopped choosing her. Her strength made you insecure, and you seeked validation elsewhere. You needed the reassurance, the instant satisfaction, the easy way out. You couldn’t see the love right in front of you, the kind of love that changes you, makes you alive, makes you better.
You had something real, but you preferred the facade of something better.
You didn’t want to see that your behavior and actions were the problem. Because in your world, everyone else is at fault. In the beginning you always lifted her up, but slowly over time you began chipping away at her confidence. Like an emotional punching bag, you used her to blow off your issues.
Your demons became her demons. She nearly drowned trying to rescue you from yourself. You lied, you betrayed her, you always had an excuse. A validation for why you did this and that.
You tattered her heart - your abuse manifested in a lot of ways. And instead of seeing the pain in her eyes, instead of seeing your issues, you saw her rage. A rage that manifested as a reaction to your toxic behavior.
When the love stopped being convenient, that’s when you stopped loving her.
And only when you felt like you were losing her is when you would start trying again. When she said she was done, only then did you became the the man she fell in love with - at least for a little bit.
But it would always end the same way. You would always show your true colors - you loved yourself more and she would lose herself trying to keep you. She hated herself for always going back, for thinking this time it would be different. She felt like a masochist and after giving you everything, she didn’t have any love left for herself.
But she was never weak. She was right - you did have something special. You had something real and beautiful and complicated and intense. It was terrifying and challenging and it changed both of you forever. She fought for it again and again, believed it could work because she couldn’t imagine herself with anyone else.
You didn’t want to lose her because you knew how amazing and special she was, but you didn’t want to put in the work to keep her either. So you kept her at a limbo. You wanted her, but subconsciously knew you didn’t deserve her so you started to push her away. And even though the pain of leaving was unbearable, the last time she knew she had to leave for good.
I hate to break it to you, but you are the reason why she left. You are the reason it became toxic and you are the reason why she started to change. And you did love her. But you were too stubborn to realize it and too much of a dick to change.
A real connection comes once in a lifetime and a girl with a heart as sincere as hers is even harder to find. Strong women will give you everything but if things don’t change eventually they will leave. Don't let your pride get in the way of changing. Love her now.
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