There’s going to be a time in your life when you’ll meet someone who’ll completely blow everyone else away. You’ll think, what the hell was I doing before?
When they're around, you don't need alcohol, or money, or anything. This weird connection is more satisfying than anything else. You’ll go from friends to close friends in a heartbeat. You’ll spark and spar and play in so many ways. You’ve met your match.
But before you could even process what is happening - they start to push you away - and you’re left burning, overthinking and internally conflicted. And no matter how close you two are, the relationship quickly becomes one of the least healthy parts of your life. Dope.
The rush in your heartbeat when they talk about other people or when you find out they were intimate with someone else never really goes away.
But then you tell yourself to pull your shit together. You tell yourself it’s not worth it because you probably would never work out as a couple anyways - we would end up hating each other, you think. You almost convince yourself that you’re cool with everything because you think you don’t know what you want yourself.
And it’s you - you're so used to never needing anyone. You don't take shit and you sure as hell aren’t about to compete for his attention and wallow there in your yearning like a sobbing little seal. So you move on. You go on dates, you focus on your passions, you do you.
But as soon as you get close to moving on, he’s there. He’ll contradict himself and get jealous, he’ll give you that intense eye-contact that will express more than anything he’s ever said. He’ll do something boyfriend-y and you’re right back to where you started. Because when he does that; you can't help it, your heart mends - only to break again when he does something shitty.
Your spark is the thing that pulls you together, but also what makes you combust. And maybe he wants you to fight for him. To climb over his walls. To overlook his demons. But what he feels about you, if he’s scared, if he loves you, makes no difference. And this is why.
You’re obviously not getting what you want. And maybe you don’t know what you want. But I know that you want someone to fight for you. You want someone to climb over your walls. You want someone to never let you go.
And I know he gets under your skin like no one else. But this is hurting you in the end. And that’s enough of a reason to leave.
No matter how amazing he is, no matter how much he understands you, does for you and lifts you up, this relationship always ends up making you feel rejected, shitty, with your self respect completely shattered. And that's not you.
Maybe he’s self-destructing because he’s convinced that you if you get too close, eventually you’ll be the one dumping him.
Or maybe he’s manipulative psycho who knows you’re suffering, and subconsciously loves it because it gives his shit little ego a succulent sponge bath every time you hang out at their whim. I don’t know. But what I do know is, it doesn’t matter why. What matters is that you’re spending your precious time and energy thinking about a person who is not giving you what you need.
But this is the relationship you have to go through because it will teach you and give you more than a ‘happily ever after’ ever could. Stop spinning in circles and remember who you are. Understand that it doesn't matter how much someone loves you, it doesn’t matter how deeply you connect or how it is when it’s good, because if they aren’t ready, they will continue to take out their demons on you - no matter how much you love them.
Understand that something bigger than you is telling you that your paths at this moment in time are going in different directions - and you have to trust that the ultimate reason is to open you up to something greater.
And it’s the hardest thing in the world to accept, I know, but I promise you, the heartbreak of this disastrously beautiful relationship will bring you to exactly where you need to be.
“A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life…”