They will always be special to you. That part is for sure. And that is what makes this so damn hard. This was the person who you shared everything with - your dreams, your fears, secrets and vulnerabilities. Your hearts were unguarded. Your souls were alive - being with them multiplied all the good in life and changed you forever.
You remember the first time all those walls came down. You remember the look in their eyes. It was scary, you held onto your walls for as long as you could. But when you finally let go, it felt right. Those are the moments of magic that you can’t ever forget.
You remember when you really got to know each other and how it was the best feeling in the world. When you see the fully untamed, raw version of someone that they only show to you, you can’t help but fall in love. And when they broke your heart, it took the air right out of your lungs.
You never expect a best friend to break your heart. A best friend will make you laugh till you cry, drive you nuts, piss you off. A best friend will confront you, crave more from you, challenge you, and want the best for you. A best friend will show you everything that is holding you back.
But you never thought for one second they would shatter your trust. You never thought for one second that you would have to learn how to live without them.
I know you may be regretting everything right now. Regretting that you opened up your heart, regretting that now, you don’t even know who you are. You don’t know the person who you were before them, and that scares you. You’re so hurt and it’s killing you that you opened yourself up so deeply. You feel naked and vulnerable and you don’t know what to do next. You’re thinking, this is why I’m so stingy with trust. This is why I have so many walls.
You’re mad that you let them in, that you trusted them with your heart - because before them you were doing just fine. You were confident, happy, you were killing it on your own and you didn’t need anyone. You’re mad that before you realized what was happening, it happened all at once: you stopped being comfortable on your own, and started to only be comfortable with them. You promised yourself you would never, ever let that happen, and now you feel lost. You feel like you worked too hard to feel this low.
I know you want to put up those walls higher than ever before.
I know you feel exposed, hurt, scared and vulnerable. You want to forget them. You want to suppress your feelings about them; you want to run from yourself.
But I also know that you were alive with them. I know that with them, you experienced love. I know that this wasn’t just the person you "hanged out" with. You played - like two little kids again seeing the world for the first time. I know that this changed you. And I know you shouldn’t regret a second of it.
You know that deep down, it was real. You know that it was there between you two right from the start, and you know that you will always have something special, even if you don’t want to admit it right now.
The truth is, sometimes people come into our life to tear down our walls and smack us awake, only to leave before we're done needing them. We don’t know why, but we know that we are forever changed because of our connection, who this person is and what they’ve meant to us. That love you’ve experienced has made you, you.
So when you’re in pain, scared and conflicted, questioning everything, wanting to get back to that place where you were in control, please remember all of this.
All that pain produced understandings that have created a new level of living - you cried, you laughed, you were alive. Letting go of those walls was the best thing you've ever done.