Very few people, if any, know how much your anxiety truly affects you at times. A part of it is because you’re extremely uncomfortable with other people seeing you vulnerable or in pain - your emotions and pain are yours, and this is what you’re used to.
Another part of it is because you appear so confident, outgoing. People easily connect and feel comfortable with you. You’re always the comforter. You seem bulletproof. The people who have have experienced the most pain always do.
It’s like, you become much more anxious if anyone ever asks if you’re okay, so your instinct will always be to try to compose yourself. Comforting yourself is what you’re comfortable with. You’re so used to this that it’s extremely hard for you to feel fully safe with someone to break down all those walls. In a way those walls are a source of your identity.
You’re stingy with trust, you try to only give a little bit at a time. But at your core you’re emotional, too soft - your heart breaks easily. You’re just good at suppressing it, at putting up a tough armor. If it ever comes down, it hits you hard, it’s like a whirlwind of pent up emotions that you don’t know what to do with.
You literally think about everything to a mind-numbingly annoying degree. You can’t let things easily go. Whether it’s the conversation you had with your boyfriend, something you said to your boss, or something you wish you would have done differently, you’re convinced that if you run over the details a few more times, it will somehow change the outcome and you’ll uncover some new understanding of the situation.
You constantly fear the worst case scenario in every situation. Any pain in your body leads to you imagining the worst case scenario. You need someone to talk you off the ledge, and tell you they've experienced a pain similar to the one you’re describing.
You’re hyper-aware and highly intuitive. While this has many benefits, it also makes your head want to explode. You’re aware of a lot and this can get very overwhelming. Your anxiety definitely makes you interact with the world a little bit differently than others, and at times, life can be way too much for your mind to handle.
But none of this will come out easily. You hate being vulnerable, and you’ll hide many of your weaknesses. And when you do show someone your vulnerabilities, you’ll feel naked. No matter how close you feel to them, you’ll want to take it back.
You deal with your anxiety by being so driven. You frequently try to compensate for fear of the unknown. When you see others succeeding, it can spiral you into a sea of conflicting emotions. You can easily get consumed by the feeling that there's more that you should be, or could be, doing with you life - but while this is stressful, it also keeps you humble and in check.
There’s a lot of layers to you, and at times you struggle with knowing what to do with them. You’re untamed and raw - but also reserved.
But at the core of it all, there might be a fear that if you do let someone fully in, if you do trust them completely, then you might finally let someone else see and nurture you, all of you, and then if they leave, you won’t know what to do or how to get back up.
Your innate fear of getting fully comfortable with someone else is the risk of forgetting how to be comfortable on your own - it’s so hard for you to let people completely in because it’s too hard if they ever leave.
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