“Never get too attached to anyone unless they also feel the same towards you, because one sided expectations can mentally destroy you.”
When you’re with him you don’t realize the full magnitude of the relationship and the affects that his behavior have on you. Not until it all hits you at once, consuming you. Not until suddenly, your mood and happiness become entirely dependent on him - how he feels, what he wants, what’s convenient for him.
Before you know it, it’s destroying you. It’s so hard to process. There’s something about your connection that takes you to a place where no one else can. It’s like he can just rip off all your walls whenever he wants - walls you spent years crafting. You can’t help it, for some reason you want him to touch every part of you.
But something has happened to make him push people away, to self-destruct when he’s happy, to use you as his emotional punching bag. Once he’s swept away by you, he plays power games to regain control; like a tornado you get sucked in and spit out, not really knowing what happened or how you got here or why.
No. You never, ever have to feel like that. No matter how much you connect, or how much good he brings into your life, it’s not worth the moments of doubt. The tears, depression and internal conflicts. He’s not worth destructing for. It doesn’t matter how much he can care or how he looks at you if he pushes you down again and again after he lifts you so high.
And it’s addicting. The adrenaline rush of high intense emotions. The knowing and not knowing what’s going to happen. There’s a comfort in someone knowing you so deeply. There’s a pain in loving someone else so much. Every part of them. Every dark part, every fucked up part, every edge.
And maybe the most fucked up part is having the one person who can hurt you the most be the same person who understands you the most. The same person who can make you laugh the hardest and bring your soul back to life. And that’s why it’s so hard to leave. And even harder to move on and not go back. But I promise you, you will be okay.
You will be more than okay, but you have to choose yourself first. You can’t let him take your power. There is so much light and happiness ahead if you chose to let go, and fall back in love with yourself. And I know how painful it is to leave, but this is not worth your ultimate happiness and well-being. Because if you truly reflect on it, you know that you’ve handed your entire self-worth and significance to him, and you know it’s toxic.
That other facet of their personality, the one that pushes you away, makes you overcompensate, makes you think your best isn’t good enough - sooner or later, it will show up again. You know it’ll show up again.
It doesn’t matter if he knows how special you are. There’s still something in him alive and well, an inkling comfortable in its home in his bones. An insecurity that will prevent him from getting too close to you. And until he’s done working out his issues, he will keep filling you hope for the future, only to lead you down the darkest of paths, causing breathtaking emotional pain at the most inconvenient of times.
Please don’t let him. You never, ever have to go through that. And I know your scars fell in love. You have your issues, too. But ultimately, you are not the one hurting him. You’re too strong, too amazing and too kind. You care too much. And you deserve better. There is something better. A more extraordinary love. A more fulfilling love.
But it has to start with you - start understanding your power and what you're worth. Start investing in yourself. Stop thinking he’s the best there is - and take your damn life back.